Fearless.

Well, its been too many months since I posted on my blog-and every month that went by I thought well its been this long already so might as well just let it go longer.
I know most everyone whose read my blog Is also my friend on face book so this part of the story you already know but because I don't ever want to forget it I'm going to write it out on here-
September was the month we were supposed to go in to meet with both the surgeon and the infectious disease doctor to schedule surgery and talk about how this surgery should go etc.After getting the news in the spring that Hayden would have to have another surgery-I fell apart and felt like there was no way I would have the strength to go through all that again-but time has a funny way of putting you back together ...healing you. And I look back on july and august and have nothing but wonderful memories of our kids ,our mini weekend trips to ball tournaments, a trip to Orlando, and then to see my parents in Sarasota(which feels like ages ago).
Every night ,over the year and a half Hayden dealt with this infection,we prayed for healing,asking God to heal her completely,whatever that may look like.It got to the point where it was just something we asked for, not even thinking about what we were asking and after a few months of feeling left down,we barely believed healing would take place without surgery and more treatment. It was end of July I believe, we were all out on the trampoline ,Matt and I were sitting in the middle and the kids were jumping all around us laughing and playing, and right as Hayden passed by me I heard her talking to herself and I hear "...and Jesus healed my body" I spun my head around and said "Hayden what did you say??" she said again "Jesus healed my body!" I looked at Matt and he says "well,there you go,shes healed!" I so badly wanted to have the faith that she was in fact healed, but I couldn't help but look over the past year and remember all the times before that I felt hope and then was suddenly shook back to "reality" and the doctors would give bad news again... so it took me a little while, but one day I was in my kitchen and I so clearly remember feeling God place a peace in my heart,and I cried,and I felt a little bit of my daughters faith, arise in me. That sunday I stood up in church and thanked God for restored faith,and we asked out church to join us in beleiveing and proclaiming that our sweet girl is healed. It was so beautiful and moving as the body of Christ, lifted there arms and we all prayed . Up until about a week after Hayden said what she did on the trampoline,i could feel a bump in her neck, it wasn't growing,but it was there and then a week after she said that,i couldn't feel it anymore! September rolled around and the morning came ,we sent out a text asking for prayer again and I felt such a peace.We got to the surgeons and he came in ,felt around her neck and immediately said in a shocked voice "i don't feel anything here that we need to to do surgery on." I just smiled and we headed out to see the ID doctor- when we got in to her she was amazed to and so excited.She said we don't need to come back unless anything pops up that were concerned about. We left and the whole way home I just kept saying "Thank you Jesus!!"
I don't think I at all how heavy all this actualy was on me,until the next day,when I woke up and looked at her and just smiled thinking, Shes healthy! And I felt like I couldn't actually feel excited about the next year to come.
God has so been working in my life so much since all this happened.And He continues to show us that He is and will take care of us. Recently We received a check to help pay for Haydens medical bills that were not covered by our insurance.It came as a surprise to us and again we felt so overwhelmed with Gods faithfulness. God has also changed the way I look at those hurting around me... an understanding,and a sincere desire to help and pray for them in a way I didn't have before.Because I now understand a bit more of how it feels to have your world turned upside down in a sence.How important it is to have friends who genuinely care for you and are willing to stand by you as you walk an incredibly hard journey,the friends who stick with you when you are having a hard time accepting. If you have a friend going through a tough time,i encourage you,do all you can,with what you have.The littlest thing,means more then you know.
And as far as my children, I don't think it will ever come naturally for me to trust the Lord with my children,thats a choice I have to make every day that I wake up, and for parents who has ever lost a child I cant imagine the grip that would make you want to have on the people around you. But I have learned and I have seen , that no matter how hard we try, no matter how many ways we try to intercede, He ultimately is in control. And although the things He allows is not always what we want or what we feel we can handle, He sees a much bigger picture, and to trust in the sovereignty of God is something so beautiful, so peaceful, and I feel at the end of my life, THAT will be what will have given me the most rewarding and fulfilling life here on earth with the one I love. Not to live in worry, not to live in fear, no matter my circumstances, but to live trusting the God is sovereign, and His word says just that...

God is above all things and before all things. He is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. He is immortal, and He is present everywhere so that everyone can know Him (Revelation 21:6).

God created all things and holds all things together, both in heaven and on earth, both visible and invisible (Colossians 1:16).

God knows all things past, present, and future. There is no limit to His knowledge, for God knows everything completely before it even happens (Romans 11:33).

God can do all things and accomplish all things. Nothing is too difficult for Him, and He orchestrates and determines everything that is going to happen in your life, in my life, in America, and throughout the world. Whatever He wants to do in the universe, He does, for nothing is impossible with Him (Jeremiah 32:17).

God is in control of all things and rules over all things. He has power and authority over nature, earthly kings, history, angels, and demons. Even Satan himself has to ask God’s permission before he can act (Psalm 103:19).

He is the ultimate source of power,authority and all the exists. So who am I to question Him?Who am I to not trust that He has the absolute best in mind for me and for my children.No matter what life throws my way, He already knew it was coming, and He is already there. To live with no fear,completely surrendered to Jesus and give all the love I can possibly give to those around me, that's my goal in life,i have a long way to go,but I believe,i truly believe that everything that has happened in my life up until this point ,He is using it, every little piece to mold me into who He wants me to be,..and I will be just that ,as long as I trust Him, and surrender to Him all I am.
Be fearless...
Shine your light....God knows, this world needs light!